Less tiredness and being able to climb stairs, walk back from college and be in college full-time is a nice feeling. But people forget that the earth has many problems, more than they can see. Little problems seem like the end of the world, when my problem is and I don’t complain. I’ll be honest and open with people but I’ll never put down their problems, but just remember it may actually be the end of the world for people you know.
I got asked this week if I’m scared of my illness and dying. My answer: No. No I’m not scared of dying because it’s natural, everyone dies. But what I am scared of is deteriorating and then being forgotten or just being remembered for being ill. Just remember my smile and my love, not the disease because, although it’s taken up at least over 2 years of my life, its not who I am.
This week, I got a portrait of me painted (you can see this on my social media), as much as I love it, I know why it’s been painted. It feels like throughout life now there’s always a bleak background behind why it’s happening. But I try not to let it affect me, I try to stay strong but sometimes it is too much. I can be really mentally delicate but you won’t know, I don’t want to be down but sometimes its just how it is. But if someone I love is hurt, I am hurt because I don’t want people to be upset. I just feel as if I’m putting my problems onto people and I don’t want to do that, they don’t need my problems.
I find it hard to be with people because I feel like a ticking time bomb. I want to bring more people into my life, because the people you meet through this experience are usually really understanding and nice, but then you think to yourself that you’re hurting them and think what’s the point, you’ll just hurt them. I will always accept people into my life but I don’t want them to deal with my problems and treat me differently.
This week has been a good week, I’m faster on my feet and I have spoken to friends I’ve not seen in a while but my mental health has been bad, I’ve been fighting back tears because I want to be happy and want others to be happy. I am still fighting fit though and I do believe I have a chance. Although I know it’s a losing battle, I am ready and fighting because not all battles, that are losing battles, are lost.