I don’t think you ever get a break away from cancer. It’s always there. It can fade into the background when enjoying yourself or creating distractions but it will never truly disappear. I just want a proper break, away from the thought of what may be or may not be in the near future. I’m worrying about what will happen after I finish my ‘standardised treatment’ and think why has this happened to me, again? I feel self-loathing and don’t want to come across that way because all I want is to be happy, and for this to go away, so I can live a long life.
I’ve been unwell this week after taking chemotherapy for five days, which has been more than doubled in dose since radiotherapy, but I’ll get through the six rounds. I will take anything at the moment. I’ve even started praying, I guess it’s worth a try. I just feel like, although I’m positive and hopeful, I don’t have a hope because no one knows what my disease is, except that it’s cancer of a high grade.
I just want to live a long life. I’m only young, it’s my eighteenth birthday next week and I’m getting asked for ideas for presents. Truth is, I don’t know because I’m struggling to think about anything else other that the eventual ending of life. I tell people I love them because I’m afraid it’s going to be the last time I can and sometimes I’m scared to get to sleep because I’m worried I might not wake up.
Remember this, I am never scared because I know everyone gets to the last stage of life eventually. I guess I’m just unlucky and hopefully with all the treatment we can contain the disease from spreading. I take on charity challenges because they can support me and many other people, I am prominent on social media and blog about brain tumours to help other people. If I don’t get through this, which I’m still positive I will, I wish to have helped other people no matter my outcome.
You can donate to my latest fundraiser to Brainstrust here: www.justgiving.com/runningthroughcancer