Lying in the MRI scanner never gets any easier, you know that it’s not scary but you’re scared of what it could expose. The wait for results is agonising, the anxiety builds up and the night before you get no sleep. So when I thought I had a scan and then my results the next day, I hardly slept for 2 days. It turned out my scan results hadn’t been reported so I need to go next week to get them. I also need my bloods doing again on Friday in order to get my chemotherapy. I had just missed out on them. My platelettes were at 92 but they needed to be at 100. I am convincing myself that I don’t mind, because it allows me to do my exams without being on chemotherapy, but I really do mind. It hurts that I’m not allowed the medication to extend my life, but I know it could do more damage taking it. That’s why the Doctor has lowered the dose I’m on now because I got 2 low blood tests and they don’t want to harm me more than I already am getting (from chemotherapy).
While I was at Christies (the specialist cancer hospital) I spoke to my Clic Sargent social worker. It was supposed to be brief but an hour forty didn’t say so. It was great to talk to someone that can understand and cares, that is not attached to my family. I will see them next week aswell after my appointment. This week I have also be active, after straining my left glute I had to use my exercise bike. I definitely feel strong. A ten mile ride. Wow. I was amazed at myself. I am hoping finishing the exercise program I am on at the moment will enable me to try and structure my own week with no fears. I will look back on my experience of the program (MOVE) next week.
This week, I shall leave you with this: My doctor is thinking of extending my chemotherapy to twelve months if the tumour is reacting well to it. It’s really hard to control that but I’ve had many discussions about what I can and can’t control. What does this have to do with you? You are in charge of your body, of your life and of your reactions. We can control most things,. Live your life in control and do the things you love. Live a healthy life, you can control that and you can control what you say and do. So think before you act, will my impact my positive or negative? If its positive, go for it, if it’s negative, think. Do you really want to cause harm?
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