Close your eyes. What can you see? That’s a question which answer has changed for me throughout my cancer diagnosis. For most people the answer is quite straight forward; you can see a life, a future and your dreams. I did start with that in my eyes, but then I didn’t. During my radiotherapy treatment, I saw radio waves, which you weren’t apparently supposed to see. That was a little unnerving but weirdly therapeutic, I also knew something was being done so I felt a little better about it. Now, I can’t really see anything, I can’t imagine a future after university,. To be honest, I can only see worry, I am worried about dying at university, I want to be at home in comfort.
Do you know what upsets me? I don’t even feel unwell. I feel fine, I barely have any headaches and my only problem is a weaker left side, which is strengthening. I know people with a similar condition to me and you wouldn’t be able to spot any of us. We are just living our lives, granted with slight problems, such as balance problems, but we live our lives normally. We don’t feel like we’re dying inside, we feel exactly the same as a non cancer fighter, except we know our fate. The thought of cancer is always in our thoughts no matter what. You wake up and it’s the first thing you think about and that thought remains in your head until you get to sleep. But still, I sometimes have dreams where I know I have cancer. It’s awful, you feel trapped.
This week, I also ran 2 miles and got my key assessment grades back from college. I did well but nothing feels good enough anymore. Sometimes I think to myself, why am I actually still doing this?, there’s not really any point when I can’t see a job ever happening. Yet I still work, I want to do well and finish what I started. I do get emotional because I am trying really hard, my focus in my eyes is off because of the medicate and things do get mixed up because there’s only one thing on my mind. Cancer. I try my best and I’m hoping it’s good enough because at the moment I might be on the grades to get me into university but I want to get in by beating the grades, not just achieving them.
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