I understand what’s wrong and I understand time is running out but I can look at it and think to enjoy what I’ve got left. Yes I have a few pains in my neck and back and maybe not walking as I used to be able to but I am sill me. I’m still Matthew. I’m still the boy who makes people laugh, tries my best at everything, does what’s right. Truth be told, I don’t really care at the moment if I get hurt. I only care about loving the people I love . Why? Because we shouldn’t take them forgranted. Honestly, I wish I hadn’t a few years ago. Family and friends matter most.
It hurts me that I need a bit more assistance because they don’t deserve it. My friends and family must find it hard and sometimes I feel like a burden [holding onto them] but I have learnt acceptance and honesty is key. I want to be happy but knowing what’s happening, I’m worried. Worried about myself. My family. My friends. The ones that I love.
I am tired and have pains from radiotherapy but those pains can be treated with medication, whereas the loss of life cannot. Acceptance. Acceptance that I might not have long has dawned on me and honestly I break down sometimes to myself but I try to get on with it. ‘How do you do it?’ I get asked.
I don’t. I just see the problem and deal with it. I do use distractions such as writing, making videos/Podcasts (which you can view on my YouTube) and my old favourite is collecting football shirts, which I’ve reverted back to. I love doing that minus the financial blow. So if anybody knows anyone 😉 haha. But as long as I’m happy , I’m the best me. Steroids make me snappy but I try and manage it. They definitely remove my filter and it’s a bad thing.
To sum up. It’s not our job to find answers. It’s our job to live life and show our love.